Ass Surgery

This is my first blog.

I'm doing it because my friend Leslie thought there was perhaps something funny about my having surgery done on my butt. Or, as she put it, "ass surgery." The whole thing had struck me as very scary and traumatic, but if it's funny, too, so much the better. So this will be a record of my recovery process.

Now, you should realize that reading about ass surgery means reading a lot about my ass, and that ass surgery is a serious surgery. Since part of the purpose of this blog is to inform, there's going to be a lot of . . . information about ass surgery in general, my ass surgery in particular, and my ass in most particular. If you find reading about my ass to be distasteful, you should probably stop reading now since that's probably most if not all of what's on order. If you find it to be embarrassing, well, I don't blame you, but part of the idea with this blog is for ass surgery to not be embarrassing. Plenty of people need ass surgery and all of those people know some other people so there's so many more people who know someone that needs ass surgery. Hopefully if you fall into any one of these categories, this will be a helpful read, because everyone who's going to have ass surgery or knows someone who's going to have ass surgery can afford to read more about it.

My surgery is tomorrow, so there are some things I want to cover first.

Most importantly: if you are here to find out more about pilonidal cysts, please go to pilonidal.org. They are a phenomenal resource for information on this condition. This blog will just be about me and my ass surgery. They're all different. The asses and the surgeries, I mean.

Next importantly: if you don't know what a pilonidal cyst is and don't want to take the time to check out the amazing site pilonidal.org, here's the run-down: "pilo" for hair, "nidal" for nest. This condition occurs when hair follicles in the natal cleft, what the French call the crack, stretch out and become infected. Once this happens, an abscess can develop, formed by both puss and ingrown hairs. If the abscess is untreated, it can grow in size and become mind-bogglingly painful. The first time I had one, it was very small as these things go (like the size of a large pea) and was so painful I couldn't sleep at night.

Once you've developed one, they tend not to go away. Mine was comparatively minor, but each time I sit on a hard seat for more than 45 minutes, it becomes inflamed and needs to be treated. Since I've had several recurrences, again, all minor, I'm going to have surgery to take care of this.

I will have what is known as the "cleft lift" procedure, pioneered by Dr. John Bascom and performed on me by Dr. Marc Brand in Chicago. Here's more on that procedure: http://www.pilonidal.org/pdfs/bascom.pdf. Basically, the doctor cuts a slice out of your natal cleft and draws your butt cheeks together to create a shallower cleft, and one without the effected hair follicle(s). Recovery is supposed to take 6 weeks, with 2 two first being kind of hectic. Like, tubes out of the wound and complicated bandages needing daily changes. Dr. Brand has received nothing but the highest praise from former and current patients on the pilonidal.org message boards, and I'm as confident as I can be under the circumstances.

Third importantly: Since I have a lot of shame around this, I thought it would be important to publish my name. I think what got me about Leslie's comments concerning my ass surgery was that it was okay to laugh at it, but that means letting people know you have had ass surgery. So I figured by announcing my name I could say it was okay somehow. Which of course it is. The catch is that given insurance in this country (USA) and current and potential employers and all that kind of nonsense, I think such a disclosure would be unwise. I don't want to be pegged as a risk for anyone with control over whether I'm bankrupted getting medical treatment (see my upcoming blog "You Don't Have to be a Socialist to be For Socialized Medicine" about the health care system in this country). I'm assuming it's relatively easy to determine my "real" identity and if that's of interest to anyone, go for it. Just know that I've asked my name to remain private and if you broadcast it you're doing so to scratch your own personal itch. Besides, most you you were sent the link to this blog by me, so you know exactly who I am.

For the rest of you, well, let's just say that I'm that guy, the tall one with glasses and thinning hair who performs, directs, and devises theatre in Chicago and is also a PhD student there. I'm married to an extraordinary woman who will help me recover.

So there.

Ass surgery is in 11.5 hours. Wish me luck.